The past couple of weeks, my grocery cart has been far more healthy than normal. I'm buying lots of fresh fruits and vegetables -- and more than that, actually eating them. When I unload my cart at the checkout, I'm actually happy with what I see there (except for the food I buy for others in my house, haha).
For many years growing up, I was mocked for my weight. Even though I still love sweet things, I will admit that when I eat those sorts of things, or buy them, I often still hear the echoes of that mocking. "Of course the chubby girl eats ice cream," I'll think, while unloading ice cream from my cart.
One of the things I like about the program I'm on now is that I'll be building healthy habits, and will (hopefully) learn moderation in all things. There is nothing inherently wrong with enjoying a cookie, or an ice cream cone, or whatever -- so long as I do it in a healthy way.
Healthy, in this context, means doing it for the enjoyment of the thing itself, and not because it provides a momentary distraction from the tough stuff in my life. It means enjoying in moderation. And it means enjoying without being haunted by the mocking echoes of the past. My suspicion is those voices won't disappear overnight, or even by the time I'm done losing weight. I would guess it will be a while before they're completely quiet. But it's time for me to start working on thinking of myself in terms other than "the fat girl" or "flabby Abby" and work toward emotional freedom when it comes to food.
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