Day 14: Energize!

The past few days, I've been fighting a sinus infection -- a remnant from a cold I had last week. I've just felt drained, and want to sleep all the time. And, my house shows it. My house isn't super-neat to start out with, but when I'm not feeling well it quickly devolves into chaos.

Aside from recent illness, I've noticed that as I've gained weight in recent months, my energy level and interest in physical activity has gone down. I just don't have the spunk I once had. Some of that is probably also due to other mental and emotional burdens, but the extra weight I'm carrying around certainly doesn't help matters.

I know that weight-loss is not a magic fix-all, but I am hoping that as I lose weight I am more motivated to be active and engaged. Certainly it will be easier to clean house, but I really want more energy overall. From all I hear from people who've persevered in this, that does happen -- so here's hoping it happens to me. :)

Day 13: A pain in the foot

One of the reasons I elected to embark on this project sooner rather than later was the onset of plantar fasciitis. Basically, it's damage and inflammation in the tissue on the bottom of your foot. When you walk, there are sharp pains in your heels. As my podiatrist said, "You walk like an old person." I'm only 34, so I have a ways to go before I should, by rights, be walking like an old person.

The foot pain started up at the end of last year, and I visited the foot doc to talk about it. He prescribed orthotics, which give extra support to the arch of the foot. I bought them, and have been using them, but one of the best cure-alls for this problem is to lose weight. I haven't lost that much yet, and I'm already feeling better. Still some pain, but nowhere near as bad as it was. I'll keep using the orthotics, but the less I have to use them the better. Goodbye, foot pain!

Day 12: No more Lane Bryant

Today, I ended up in the ER again, this time with my husband instead of the baby. He had his last dose of chemo a week ago, and mouth sores have been quite painful the past several days. He hasn't been able to eat much because of them, which is good for weight loss, but bad for overall health and nutrition. He also hasn't been able to take pills orally, which is really not a good place to be. So, we called his oncologist and she said we should probably get to the ER so we don't run into issues down the road with him getting dehydrated or weaker.

They gave us "miracle mouthwash," which has Maalox, lidocaine (an anasthetic) and Benadryl. He also got liquid morphine. He's feeling quite a bit better, so hopefully he'll be able to eat and sleep and the sores will heal.

One of the hospital employees who came in commented on the shirt I was wearing, a purple ruffly affair. It's a pretty, spring-y shirt, and I really like it because it's also long-sleeved. She asked where I got it, and I said, "Lane Bryant," which is where I get almost all my clothes. She was unfamiliar, and I thought better of telling her that people of her body type (average weight and petite) don't need to shop there.

For myself, Lane Bryant was a godsend. Growing up, we did most of our clothes shopping at Wal-Mart and Goodwill. Although you'll find some plus-sized clothing there, the fit and fashion isn't exactly flattering. Then I found Lane Bryant. Although clothes are at a higher price-point than Wal-Mart, I finally had things I liked to wear and felt reasonably good in. And, I have a nice selection of pretty underthings.

But, it would be nice to be able to find clothes at other stores, and to not be forced to look only in the "plus size" sections.

I did cheat a little today. I had Olive Garden for dinner -- chicken caesar salad -- and I ate the breadsticks and the full-fat dressing. And the cheese. Sadly, because I still have a stupid cold (or maybe it's now a sinus infection) I couldn't taste very well so I didn't get the full value out of the cheat. Sigh. I guess that makes it easier to get back on the wagon.

Day 11: Guilt-free shopping

The past couple of weeks, my grocery cart has been far more healthy than normal. I'm buying lots of fresh fruits and vegetables -- and more than that, actually eating them. When I unload my cart at the checkout, I'm actually happy with what I see there (except for the food I buy for others in my house, haha).

For many years growing up, I was mocked for my weight. Even though I still love sweet things, I will admit that when I eat those sorts of things, or buy them, I often still hear the echoes of that mocking. "Of course the chubby girl eats ice cream," I'll think, while unloading ice cream from my cart.

One of the things I like about the program I'm on now is that I'll be building healthy habits, and will (hopefully) learn moderation in all things. There is nothing inherently wrong with enjoying a cookie, or an ice cream cone, or whatever -- so long as I do it in a healthy way.

Healthy, in this context, means doing it for the enjoyment of the thing itself, and not because it provides a momentary distraction from the tough stuff in my life. It means enjoying in moderation. And it means enjoying without being haunted by the mocking echoes of the past. My suspicion is those voices won't disappear overnight, or even by the time I'm done losing weight. I would guess it will be a while before they're completely quiet. But it's time for me to start working on thinking of myself in terms other than "the fat girl" or "flabby Abby" and work toward emotional freedom when it comes to food.

Day 10: Dance, Dance

I've always loved dancing -- as a spectator, that is. My husband and I didn't have dancing at our wedding, even. Neither of us is particularly coordinated, or physically fit, for that matter.

But I think dancing is a really beautiful physical art -- so graceful. I'll even admit to watching all the "Step Up" movies because I enjoy the dancing so much.

"Graceful" is not a word I've used to describe myself, though I admire it in others. I've carried around so much extra weight for so long that I'm far from graceful. I bump into things, have to squeeze into spaces, and am too heavy to be at all light on my feet. That's one thing I'd like to change as I lose weight. I'd like to be in a position to take up dancing, hopefully even with my husband. Lovely!

Day 9: Summertime, summertime

I made it into the center today and at official weigh-in was down a total of 6 pounds from where I started. Not bad, for a little over a week. I know most weeks won't have these sorts of losses, but it's good to start out on a positive note.

Today's reason is spurred by our recent snowfall, which has left me longing for sunshine and warmth. I'm not such a fan of all the bugs that go along with that, but I do like being able to go outside without being heavily bundled beforehand. Plus, this summer John will be walking, and I'm excited to spend long summer evenings playing with him.

For too long, though, summer has meant a lot of discomfort because of my weight. I have been self-conscious about large upper arms, or big thighs, or big butt. Clothes for summer are far more revealing of these kinds of flaws than winter clothes. This summer I won't be at my goal weight yet, but on the way, so I'm hoping I'll not only feel a bit more confident in short sleeves but also have more energy to enjoy summertime activities with my family.

Day 8: Photo finish

We were snowed in today, and I still feel kinda crappy since I have the cold John had last week. So, I didn't make it to the center today for a check-in. It was a tough diet day too. I really wanted to make cookies and have a comfort-food fix, but I held off. I sure hope the exercise of willpower burns calories!

Today's reason has something to do with vanity, but also with basic self-image. Our wedding photographer managed to capture a few photos of me that I actually liked (a rarity) but by and large I hate photos of myself. I tolerate them now, because I realized at one point that refusing to have photos taken writes me out of my own history, in a way. I have so few photos from college, for example, or from my 20s -- I avoided the camera because I didn't want reminders of my fatness.

Since getting married and having a child, though, I have a newfound desire to remember the happiness of these days, and so I have been in a lot more photos. We recently had family photos done for my baby's first birthday, and I looked so fat in them I didn't want to post any of them on facebook. This was probably one of the primary reasons I decided that now is the time to actually make changes that will (hopefully) stick long after I've completed the weight-loss program.

I haven't yet taken an official "before" photo, but I need to do that so I not only have a way of documenting my weight loss, but also so I have a reminder of where my bad food choices for so many years put me. I don't want to revisit this place again in the future, that's for sure.

Day Seven: To better habits

Well, I'm officially done with the first week. I've eaten my food for the day and logged it all. Tomorrow morning I'll go check in and get my first week's weight-loss totals. I'm thinking it will be in the 6-7 pound range, but we'll see.

One of the things I like about this plan is that it incorporates so much "real" food. I have some food provided by the company, but most of the food I have to buy and prepare myself -- fruits, veggies, meats, and starches. In order to stay on plan, I need to prepare those things with limited fat and sodium, which is far different from the way I'm used to preparing foods. I'm a big fan of salt and butter. Since I'm on plan for more than a year, that's ample time to make substantial changes in habits, and clearly that's a good thing. My former habits haven't gotten me to a great place.

One thing I'm realizing about my habits is that I've relied substantially on convenience. When I'm tired at the end of a long day, it's a lot easier to order a pizza than it is to put together a healthy meal with fresh ingredients. Or if I'm out running errands for the day, its WAY easier to stop at the Wendy's drive through than it is to pack a snack or a lunch. Now, I don't have that luxury. I have to plan, both in buying on-plan foods to have on hand, and in preparing meals and snacks so I can eat regularly and healthily through the day.

I like that I'm going to get used to eating a diet that's low on rich, high-calorie foods and high in fresh fruits and veggies. What I hope is that after a while on the plan, my body will be so used to this that it will feel weird if I eat badly, and that planning to eat like I'm eating now will become second-nature.

These new habits are important not only for my health, but also for my family's health. I think it's important to be setting a good example for my son, and to be supportive of my husband making similar healthy changes. Both my husband and I struggle with weight and bad habits, and that's not a legacy I want to pass on to our son.

Changing a lifetime of bad habits isn't easy, but I have lots of support and guidance in building new ones -- and lots of reasons to make those changes.

Day Six: One, two, buckle my shoe

When you have a sizeable spare tire, bending over can be quite a chore. Even such a simple task as tying shoes becomes an opportunity for discomfort and (if done in public) a mildly embarrassing display of my lack of flexibility. When I was pregnant, I took to wearing slip-on shoes to eliminate the problem of tying shoes in public. Now that I'm just fat, I still often do this. It's just easier.

Heck, I avoid all sorts of bending over. Not only does the act of bending over leave my sizeable butt highlighted, but it's also uncomfortable and I'm frankly just not that flexible these days. Gosh I'd love to be, though.

I know I have a long journey ahead of me, but one of my goals is to be able to bend over without having to maneuver into weird and awkward positions to do simple tasks like picking up toys off the floor, or tying my shoes. This involves working on flexibility in addition to addressing weight issues, I know, but the primary problem is weight-related. One more reason to stick to the plan!

Day Five: My brave husband

I know I already wrote a post about my hubby this week, but tonight he inspired me again. He's just had a fourth (and final) dose of GVD chemotherapy today, so he's a little out of it in general. He also has the cold our baby has had, so he's been coughing and gagging up a storm, in addition to the other discomforts of cancer like sore hands and feet (the chemo drugs take away callouses) and mouth, throat, and nose sores. Then there's the constant intestinal difficulties, either constipation or diarrhea. And he's exhausted, and still has to deal with business-related issues, both with maintaining production and with interpersonal issues.

In addition to all this, he's giving himself heparin shots twice a day. He has a blood clot in a vein coming out of his liver, and so needs to take shots twice a day for six months (maybe longer, if it doesn't disappear). The shot goes in his tummy fat, and burns for about 10 minutes after the injection. Plus, since it's a blood thinner, it leaves bruises all over.

In short, my beloved husband spends a lot of his time in physical misery. Through it all he really doesn't complain. I'm giving up a lot with this diet. I have to plan meals, I have to watch what I eat, I have to say no to foods I'd love. It's tough, for sure. But the minute I feel sorry for myself, or start wishing I could have just one Girl Scout cookie, I look at what my husband's going through and I find it much easier to suck it up.

My husband really does inspire me to be a better person, and he does so through quiet example. He doesn't need to preach to me, or to point out the areas I need to grow in. Once I see the grace with which he handles suffering, I quite clearly see my own failings, and it makes me want to do better and be better so that I can inspire him as well.

Day Four: Oh, my aching back

As I've been thinking of things to write for this blog, I've realized that there are several general categories in which rationales for weight loss land. I'd consider physical appearance/attractiveness, quality of life, relational, emotional, spiritual, and general health to be the main categories, with various subcategories in each area. And of course there's some blurring between categories.

Today's reason falls primarily into health, but also is a quality of life issue: back pain. For years, I've struggled with back pain off and on. It was especially bad after my baby was born. I had a C-section, which compromised my abdominal muscles for a while, and my back protested the increased responsibility. I mentioned it to my doctor, and she very tactfully pointed out that my large belly and butt weren't helping the situation.

At that point in time, I was simply not emotionally ready to tackle losing weight. We'd just had a baby, and my husband was in his first go-round with chemo. Wrestling with all that left me with few emotional reserves for little things like losing more than 100 lbs. So, I blew it off, and then spent the next year adding about 30 pounds due to stress eating. Truth be told, right now my back doesn't hurt horribly, but I know the extra weight I'm carrying is hard on my back. I'm more likely to have some sort of injury, and the weight would make healing and recovery more difficult.

So today's reason is that I'm tired of abusing my back, and I'm ready to literally take a burden off my own shoulders.

Today at check-in I was even with yesterday, so no additional miraculous weight loss. I'm excited to see what the total for the week is, though. I'm finding it is much easier to stay motivated if I minimize thinking about the long-term, and focus on grinding through the present goals. I need to come up with healthy rewards for reaching my intermediate goals ... food for thought, so to speak. :)

Day Three: Here's to you, babe!

Today is my wee man's first birthday. We spent the late afternoon/evening in the emergency room with him, figuring out that he has an ear infection and mild dehydration. He had to get an IV, which is a torturous experience for a baby -- and for his mom. I promised myself I wouldn't cry when it happened, and I didn't. But I did cry in the car on the way there, knowing what would probably happen. There are things you have to do as a parent that cause real pain to your child, but they're for the greater good. I guess I never fully appreciated how hard those things would be to do.

Despite the turmoil of the day, I was still able to stay on target with the diet. It helps that I dropped a little more weight at my weigh-in, but I won't say it was completely easy. And it will get harder when I go to the myriad family events we have through the year. I feel good about the decision to do the diet, though, and I feel I have a ton of really great reasons to make the changes I'm making. This is going to work. I'm going to make it work.

In honor of little John's birthday, he's my reason for today. Becoming a mom has been an incredible experience. People tell you how much your life will change, but you still can't anticipate how it will change until you've done it. I used to think my mom was overly emotional. Now I understand how loving leaves you vulnerable. I want to lose weight because I want to be able to be the best Mom I can be, and part of that means being physically able to nurture him. I want to be able to play with my son, to go on long walks without feeling exhausted, to have the energy to enjoy him and to support his growth.

That's a pretty good reason, in my book.

Day Two: Roller Coasters

So this is actually technically getting posted in the wee hours of Day 3, but so be it. I've had a long, long day ... several days, in fact. My little dude is sick, and has been throwing up for about three days. He currently has about half a bottle of formula and some juice in his little tummy, which appears to be staying down. Poor kid. He's been pretty miserable. :(

Of course, his misery translates to me getting not much sleep, so I'm mildly loopy from lack of sleep. But, I'm also taking metabolism-boosters for the diet plan, and got one a little late in the day ... so it's almost 1 a.m. and I'm just now getting sleeping. Yawn ...

Anyway, so my reason for Day Two is roller coasters. Specifically, fat people don't fit on roller coasters, or really amusement park rides in general. Really I'm not a huge fan of roller coasters, but I do like riding bumper cars, and want to be able to ride the kiddy train around Como Town.

That last one brought me a moment of fat-barrassment last summer when I went on a playdate with a friend and his son. We were at Como Town, and the only ride we could go on (because of the kids' ages) was the kiddy train. However, because of my size, I had A LOT of trouble fitting in the train. Luckily it was just my friend and I on the train, so my embarrassment was limited ... but still. Not fun. I'd love to be able to do those sorts of fun carnival and amusement park activities without worrying whether the seatbelt will buckle, or the safety bar will actually latch. Ugh.

Weigh-in went well today. I'm down about 2.5 pounds from where I started, which is typical, they tell me. I'm doing what's called a "prep phase" now, and get a diet limited to basically meats and green veggies, with an orange, some eggs, and a little milk thrown in. I'm happy it's just three days, haha. This is supposed to kick my body into "thermogenesis," the process by which it burns fat for energy instead of the massive amounts of carbs I've been eating. And storing.

I met with a counselor to go over the plan after the prep phase is complete. The food list is expanded, but still limited carbs plus low fat and low sodium. I also have a regimen of supplements I get to take -- vitamins, plus herbs that do things like block carb absorption and stimulate the body's metabolic rate. We'll see how it all goes ...

Day One: My Valentines

Since it's Valentine's Day, it's appropriate that my first reasons be my two Valentines -- my husband, Paul, and our son, John. Paul and I have been married for just over two years (although we regularly tease each other that it feels more like 20) and we have a beautiful little boy who will be one in a couple of days.

I can't tell you how much my life has changed for the better since meeting Paul. We met through a Catholic singles site, and got married a little less than a year from our first face-to-face meeting. Life in many ways has not been easy. The last two years have been filled to overflowing with huge life bumps -- losing loved ones, moving, business issues, family issues, and last but not not least cancer.

Paul was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma a little over a year ago, and after a round of chemo and radiation it returned in his spleen. He had surgery to remove that, then it popped up in his liver and other nodes in his abdomen, so he is now back on chemo.

It may be odd to start a serious diet in the middle of my husband's treatment, but the reality of the situation is that I've been dealing with cancer (and other) stress in the last year by overeating. Cancer has darkened so much of our lives, and I finally came to realize that my poor choices in dealing with it could end up having long-term detrimental effects on my own health.

Despite all the challenges we've faced, Paul and I still laugh together and tease each other and we both genuinely enjoy our little guy and watching him learn and grow. We have many blessings in our lives, and my being healthier will only add to those.

So my choice today is to deal with stress in a more constructive way, and to get happier and healthier so my Valentines and I can enjoy each other more. Much love to my guys!

Reasons galore

Last year, I scanned in a bunch of photos from my childhood. Among them were two photos from elementary school, from 3rd grade and 5th grade. In the third grade photo, I'm a normal weight kid, and I don't look all that nerdy. By fifth grade, I am definitely a chunk, complete with glasses. The look is compounded by my short hair, which my mother put up in pincurls the night before so it forms a perfect round halo around my round little face.

Since then I have always been the fat kid, and over the years I have perfected my love affair with food. I love baking and cooking, and I'm pretty darn good at it. I've learned how to combine flavors to make delicious food of all kinds. The problem with my love of food is that it has decided to stick around for the long haul. And by "haul" I mean I am hauling around 140 pounds more than I should be. I'm pretty sure those donuts I enjoyed last year are somewhere on my right butt cheek.

I've known I needed to do something about my weight for a while, but I have put it off for a long time, finding all sorts of excuses: It's not that bad (really it is) or I have other stuff going on in my life (which I do, but that's no excuse). But now it's time to make this happen.

Last week, I went to a local weight loss center and talked with a consultant about their program. I wanted a program that would work, and would offer a lot of accountability, and this program promises results so long as you follow their rules, and there are several checks in place to help you follow the program.

During one point of the initial meeting, I was asked to outline five reasons I want to lose weight (and keep it off). I did that, and on the way home I kept thinking of other reasons I wanted to lose weight -- all reasons that I love so many things more than the temporary taste of food on my tongue. But, I know that those reasons can be easily forgotten when you're in the midst of slogging through a diet. The weight-loss portion of my diet is 57 weeks -- 399 days -- and I figure it would help me to stay on track if every day I remind myself of why I am doing this. Hence the blog.

Today is Day 0, so I'll start laying out my reasons tomorrow. Day 1 is coming!